2004-06-02..5:08 p.m.

The Run Down on the Boy Front:

Last weekend R and I break the four year barrier and then build it up again by refusing to talk about it.

Wednesday Matthew and the MC have a SUMMIT to discuss their *intentions* toward me. WHAT?!

This Weekend:

Friday Matthew and I have a chat in which I was going to end it, not because I wouldn�t consider being with him, but because I don�t want to hurt him, he counters by saying he knows I�m not squeaky clean when it comes to fidelity, he will try to stop being jealous, and he wants to make a go anyway. I come clean about having sleepovers with the MC, he says he will be fine with that if nothing is happening. I tell him about R, he says he figured it would happen one day, and that he�ll wait to find out what our verdict is. He called me on thinking he wants more than I can give, and then said all he wants is to know I can be entirely faithful. (The thing is, I can. But I don�t think I can with him.) He also told me that even if all I could offer was friendship, he didn�t think he could do it if he wanted.

Saturday platonomy slips between the MC and I. We actually agree it�s not going to happen again. Just as well it was a fucking good one. He tells me he essentially thinks Matthew is blackmailing me for his affections. And does NOT think much about Matthew *giving us permission* to have our sleepovers.

Sunday I spend the entire afternoon with Steve in a beer garden, cooking food, reading in silence, talking about everything, and generally being a non-illicit couple (at least on his end, he and his gal split) I told him about the R thing and he told me to get on it.

The Wind-Up:

Can�t talk to R until we�re actually in person. This is driving me batty. I don�t know if I�m ready for it, I�m terrified to actually tell him how I feel, and I�m desperate not to hear his answer. Will be going back up to Oxford not this weekend, but the following, if it�s kosher with him.

Will be telling Matthew it will only ever work for a few months and that I�d rather just work on being friends.

Will carry on as we are with Steve, unless R wants Big Heap Romance. In which case it will end, and we�ll just continue hanging out.

Whateves. The paring down process has begun. At long fucking last.

IN OTHER NEWS (JESUS WHY IS ABOUT BOYS ALL THE TIME):

Have been asked to start an online diary of the music obsessed for one of the online magazines, first instalment will be this week I think. This is very exciting, if a little daunting because it will take up a shitload of time. Hopefully, I�ll be able to limit myself to three gigs a week and coincide at least one of them with when I�m working.

Have sort of approached a proper high profile magazine, CV is sent in and everything, just waiting to hear back. This is terrifying. I have no idea what, if anything will come out of this, but it�s pretty big and whatever they may be able to offer me will be the most amazing fucking opportunity. We�ll see.

Have HUGEASS DEADLINE TOMORROW! Have four things I�m only mildly prepared for to hand in, though have already got rid of three. Cross your fingers, it�s going to be a long night. Spent both Friday and Saturday nights slaving until 4am. And by �slaving� I mean procrastinating so that I then had to stay up last night, a WORK NIGHT, in order to get anything done.

ALSO:

You know how I sometimes get a word, or a phrase stuck in my head and can�t remove it without coaxing, pleading and eventual painful coercion. As in I actually need some sort of forceps-like hook to delve into the crapmeister part of my brain to forcibly remove it. As in it�s kicking and screaming and clawing back to hide in the crevices of my parahippocampal gyrus. As in I�ve now got the word GROIN emblazoned upon the very tip of my tongue and it keeps nearly slipping out. Maybe it�s all the groinular exposure I�ve been having of late. It wouldn�t really be so bad, I mean I�m pretty sure that I could cover it up,

�Nice day out, isn�t it?�