I have to apologise for the state of things at the moment. I�m going boldly where I�ve never gone before and I�m not really sure I�m doing anything right because I have NO IDEA what the fuck I�m doing. I�m just kind of doing it.

I�m really tired though. I can't even begin to tell you how much I wanted to strap myself into bed and not leave it. Strap myself in with M�s supremely good fuzziness pressed sleepily against me. M�s unbelievable heat � he�s been like a fucking furnace lately. It really just comes down to this: if I had a choice between a. spending the whole day with my face buried into his chest limply reading a book - just letting it wash into me, you know? the way you're SUPPOSED to read them? - while coffee and toast magicked themselves up from the kitchen, or b. fighting my way through despondent jellied eels and speed freaks to get to work an hour late blood-sugar-less and dizzy.. There is no choice, that was just a pitiful attempt at breaking in new metaphors for the weirdoes and similarly pissed off commuters I�m forced to share my first waking hour with. I am so transparent.

I�m very menstrual today.

Which explains a lot about this past weekend. M and I do the wriggly, I cry. M and I shower together, I get a lump in my throat. His flatmates FINALLY clean the house OF THEIR OWN ACCORD, I fall speechless and well up. We go to see Some Kind of Monster (the Metallica movie), I spend the first half unable to get comfy in my half of the snaztastic two-seaters in the back row of the Prince Charles and the latter half trying to hold back tears.

It was a weekend of random encounters in general. M and I awoke Saturday night, all blinky and startled, to find ourselves in a bus garage getting poked with the butt-end of a broom by a very surly cleaner who very fiercely demanded, �Why are you asleep on the bus?� When we explained that we didn�t know, he glared suspiciously and shouted, �Where are you from? Are you Portuguese?� I think we could have been in real trouble there, but we ran for it into the cold depths of darkest Peckham.

The second weird thing was not nearly as wonderful as that, but awful: Edie, M�s flatmate, went ballistic on her boyfriend because he was getting drunk and having fun while she had to study. I mean claws out screaming attacking him insane. We still don�t know what happened, but he ended up running out of the house and she ended up with a huge nose bleed that splattered everywhere and we three (Paddy, M and I) ended up oscillating between having to physically restrain her and staring uneasily at each other while she paced about upstairs. It didn�t end until 4am, it was absolutely shattering. She actually reminds me a lot of my best friend in high school, who was similarly fantastic and crazy with the most patient boyfriend in the world who got drunk too much and was just as co-dependent/obsessive. Fortunately K turned into one of the most grounded intelligent opera singers I�ve ever met, but for a while it was similarly scary.

The third weird thing isn�t weird at all, just lovely and wonderful: M and I had not one, but TWO WHOLE DATES this weekend. On Friday night we went out for pizza at La Porchetta (with starters and wine and everything!) and on Saturday was the Metallica documentary before going to work a door shift together at the Betsey. It was sheer bliss to be able to just hang out and cosy into each other like that.

Since Sunday night I have grappled with Deleuze and his insanely inaccessible (when you�re exhausted due to the late night wriggly and the late night pacification of mental flatmates) Difference and Repetition, and given a seminar on it, which went fairly well DESPITE half way through thinking, �I am making sense to NO ONE!� And today I made attempts to redesign this thing, not quite what I�m looking for, still a terrifying whirl of cyber ciphers, but I�m getting there.

And tonight I�ve having drinks with Steve from that Band (remember him? I�d link him, but I�m not sure where to find him)(Some time in April if you want to trawl) It should be interesting..this will be the first time we�ve hung out since I told him I want only M. I�m not sure how M himself feels about it all, but I think he�s fine. It�s amazing how much trust grows when you manage to admit that terrifying truth. And O how I have! I love him love him love him. And amazingly he�s in love with me!