2004-06-21..4:11 p.m.

Sorry for being so silent, I was off work all last week with a raging flu and glands that threatened to swallow London, which entirely annoyingly meant that any time I attempted to get some writing done last week I�d promptly either pass out or start seeing things � o Nurofen on the spotless mind. My drug taking doesn�t extend much further than copious amounts of nicotine, combined with too much caffeine and my dosages of whiskey. The Nurofen experience was thus on the lightheaded mildly hallucinatory side of pain relief. My dreams were insane as well, either long sheets of men in trenchcoats holding umbrella�s falling like TV static, or kitten�s climbing into trees or being half asleep and thinking that the masturbation dreams just could be real and getting worried that the person lying next to me kept nudging me to stop it (actually they were just dreams and MC was rolling in me in his sleep), or about emails that made me laugh and laugh, but would not be remembered come morning. Fun.

More fun was had on Saturday when Matthew and I had a bit of a blow up. This pleased me not at all because up until that point it was the first day in seven that I had been quite well and happy. It ended in him storming off and a furious me raving at MC who spent a good hour making comforting noises. It's a funny thing all this. Matthew and I, for all intents and purposes, are in essense in this going out but lacking the sex part sort of relationship, and keep fighting. (Or were. I don't know where we stand now as I've not heard from him since.)(Case in point) And Milan and I are having plenty of the sex, but without the hassle of obligation, and just keep getting closer. And really I look at Matthew and think, yeah maybe I could, and then look at MC and think Wahoo aren�t I glad I�m not?! I�m not saying I want a full time thing with Steve or MC, but knowing that they�re there and the sex is great and that the only obligation we have to each other is to be as honest as we can because we WANT TO BE.. well that just makes me tingling gorgeous happy inside.

Anyway, half the reason for the blow up was that I got all fret-and-pace because R had a *date* Friday. And by *date* I mean going out w this girl he fancies in group of ten. Said girl he fancies has yet to even give him her phone number. Have I any reason to get hoopy? The clear and LOGICAL answer would be no. Did I get hoopy? O yes. And hoopy I got because his ex has a new boyfriend and he (at least on some unspoken level) wants this Leki character (what sort of name is fucking *Leki*anyway?) because she�s tall and gorgeous and thus a threat. Which means that on the same unspoken level I�m not. And while all my feminist sensibilities are bitchslapping me senseless, I WANT TO BE A THREAT! Not just some lowly kid who Kate would look at and smirk and be all, So you got him then, and then proceed to do a three-toed tort in demon triumph over R�s sodden and limp soul because she won and he lost and I�m to blame. Sigh. Both Milan and Steve have since joined my feminist sensibilities in their beat down and are threatening to talk to the damn kid themselves.

The other half of the reason is that Matthew doesn�t get how I can sleep with a person with the full knowledge, moreover the total mutual want, of the fact it�s not going anywhere just yet/ever. What can I say? I like my sex. I like the dude�s. I�m not ready for a fulltime thing. I think it�s happy and healthy and all goodliness so long as we�re all honest and we are. It would seem I can say a lot.

Other than weird boyness and horrible sickness and getting better and having boy related giggles and the Finsbury Park Vomitfest that apparently took place last night (much to the delight of my semi-conscious walking to work self this morning), I have no other news apart from a mystery caller named Chris from 'A Music Magazine'. I love my flatmates. You'd think that knowing I'm all trying to break the writerly Music Journo scene, a caller from a Music Magazine would ring some bells and they'd fucking take a fucking message. Pah.

Going to see Royal City tonight who are from Montreal (clever the name o yes) which should be fantastic. Going to see Blurt (yes blurT) on Tuesday. Going to see the Concrete (a Swedish 8piece) on Wednesday. Going to pick up Susanna from Kings' Cross on Sunday (Whooo! The excitement is UNFUCKINGPARALLELED! We�ve not seen each other in almost TWO WHOLE YEARS!!! I cannot wait! And she�s staying with me for two days before going to Munich to be with a R of her own and then coming back to stay with me for TWO WEEKS! Whooo!) And somewhere in the middle I will get some fucking writing done and hear back from Mystery Mag Chris. I don�t know a Magazine Chris. Who is this Magazine Chris? WHO?

Get me away I�m dying. And totally ripping of Belle..

****meep