I don�t know how mimi smartypants managed to find this insane messageboard initiated by �cyclotouriste� or what she was looking for, but reading it I simultaneously managed to snort up and gag on my morning coffee. I gazed on in infinite wonder hardly able to take it in; that I can even type now is the stuff of madness. It�s Ignatius J. all over again. But in searing technicolour.

Far less terrifying, but equally wonderful is tremble.com whose How to� Guide to the World is the work of genius. The ongoing musings and occasional advice of Mr. Todd Levin left me equally tickled, but in a more gleeful �tee hee, that tickles!� kind of way than the �stop touching me like that. Stop it now� needing a bath of the Psychlo (you see what I did there? You see?)

NOW WITH MORE PSYCHO BIT �N NIBBLES THAN BEFORE!

M got this chain letter sent to him by one of his �friends�* (guess which part we added**):

READ BEFORE VIEWING THE PICTURE - Spooky !!

The guy in the photo went to the Sundarbans with his friends and he asked one of his friends to take his picture in that very place. While his friend was taking the picture he screamed and fainted, 2 days later he died in the medical college. Doctors said he died because of heart attack. When the photos were exposed, in the last photo there was a lady standing right beside him though friends claim that he was standing alone. Many people said it is a rumor and the picture is the result of the blessings of latest technology. However, the photo itself is very scary and I'm sure you'll also feel the same way I've felt. Here you go with the photo!!! A navy officer sent this letter to 13 people and he was promoted.. A business man received this letter and threw it away..not believing in it.. and he lost everything he had within 13 days. It reached a labourer and he distributed it to 13 people.. he was promoted and all his problems were solved within 13 days.. So you must send this e mail to 13 people for something good to happen to you so people.get sending !! :) don't be lazy..

P/S : Do not send back to the person who send this to you!!!

(click her eto see the picture please, it doesn't want to upload properly

But wait! The story doesn't end there! Sometime later, after seeing the disturbing results of the photoshoot, our protagonist returned to the same spot to see if he could repeat the events. Those of a weak disposition, brace yourselves...

Oh and you have to send this to 56 people by next Tuesday or my Aunt Doris will haunt you for the remainder of your life. And she's not even dead yet! Send it to over a hundred, and basil brush will make an appearance at your next birthday!

(This one's also too big)

*Friends who send friends chainmail are not friends. They are superstitious freaks who need to leave their friends out of it.
**For those of you not in the loop, Irwin Helford is indeed Chairman Emeritus at Viking Office Supplies. He is M�s sweet obsession, and is affectionately known (by anyone who goes through M�s office) as �the Firklover�. Irwin Helford even has his own fan club, and as you can see by these neato people posing, he is admired by the few and the cool. Sadly M�s own photo hasn�t been added yet, but watch this space because it�s only a matter of days.

BOLD NEW TITLES!

Spanish Phrase of the Day: Aprende a leer, antropoide! (trans. Learn to read, monkeyboy!)
On the Jukebox in My Mind:You're My Bestfriend by Queen dubbed into by Francis the Mute by The Mars Volta (which has since turned into the entirety of Hot Hot Heat by Hot Hot Heat)
Nearly Stepped in But Narrowly Avoided Last Night: one broken bicycle wheel, three turds (one of which turned out to be a dank purple sock) and rivers of spit

OTHER NEWS (WELL ALMOST, THESE WOULD NEVER REALLY MAKE THE HEADLINES)

1. I 've recently developed a horrid obsession with silver flavoured clothing (with extra mercury bits!), you know, sequined tops, chainmail scarves that sort of thing. It's shimmery everything all the time these days, people; I'm like a fucking magpie. If it sparkles I want it, if it moves and sparkles, even better (it might be a unicorn or a little elf person living in the wall!) I have no idea where this is coming from unless I've inadvertantly turned into one of those hapless drones following SIENNA KATE ASHLEE CAMERON on eBay, E! and heat. I don't read the mags, traverse (re: trawl through) Oxford St, or watch the shows, but somehow I'm hip to the scene. It's fashion savvy by osmosis.

2. I arrived to work this morning and discovered a small pod of toothpaste on my elbow. I did not attempt to lick it off, rather wiped it clean with a wad of paper towelling in the loo. (Yeah, I'm so lying. I can never resist an elbow licking.)

3. Tonight is my parent's last night in the country and the first anniversary of the Greenwich Pirates which of course means DOUBLE BOOKING! M and I will be dining with them in esteem and elegance with a little wine, perhaps an aperitif, with sparkling (SPARKLING!) conversation and laughter until about half8 when we switch sides, revert back to our hellion ways and come sliding home sideways some time after 8 tomorrow morning. What fun, what a lark. I'm expecting a horrific hangover tomorrow and promise to relish it duly.

Actually I think this guy I met on the bus might end up coming too. I know, weird to be picking guys up when heavily involved in long-term life/love partner, but we got talking because he saw I was reading The James Bond Dossier by Kingsley Amis and it turns out we have quite a lot in common including thinking the rules of engagement are blocked out solely by whether or not you might want to one day sleep with someone. After getting off the bus we stopped and chatted a bit more, I told him about M and my lofty prof ambitions, he told me about his film editing career and skateboarding fanaticism, and then he walked off and I stayed waiting for my next bus. I was standing there thinking, What a load of bollocks that we didn't exchange numbers or at least email addresses, and then thought, Well fuck that. We got on, there was no chance of us ever getting to the point of screwing, why can't we stay in touch? I turned to run after him only find me staring back at his grinning face. He'd run back to tell me the same. So we exchanged numbers and he'll hopefully make it out to the Montague Arms tonight for shits and giggles.

I'm not sure about the rest of my weekend, research and perhaps taking in Sin City, but not much more than that me thinks. Yes. It should be good.

4. I ordered a bunch of CDs from Amazon.ca weeks ago because you cannot get such things without paying extortionate import tax, weeks on and still nothing. It's getting me a bit down to be honest. (FYI Set Yourself on Fire by The Stars, Jesus' Blood Never FAiled Me Yet by Gavin Bryars, Our Endless Numbered Days by Iron and Wine and Youth and Young Manhood by the Kings of Leon

O we'll be rocking with that ship sails in, o yes.

****emmmms