2004-04-28..1:18 p.m.

I think I like the word �gubernatorial� more than I like it�s meaning. It�s meaning in inconsequential in my like of the word. It�s all soft and round and has �guber� in it. It sounds more like a proclivity to snot rockets, than this �of or pertaining to a governor� malarkey. Gubernatorial. Heehee.

You know when you have week's that just feel like Christmas? Like waking up on a Sunday to a cup of coffee and a paper in bed? That�s essentially how it's going. No one reason in particular, just happy. Maybe it's the sun. Maybe it's the warm. Maybe it's the fuck off steeltoed boots/micromini combo. Whatever it is, I feel like I�m constantly in the afterglow of an eighthour orgasm. It�s all quite 'lush' as Steve would say.

Unfortunately this mad love for everything has screwy side-effects that amount to either me becoming this egocentric ho bitch convinced her eminent shagtastic sex appeal comes equipped with 4-mile stun capacity (in which case I have a problem), OR Matthew has a thing for me (in which case I have a problem). I really like him, he�s such a good person and sweet and funny. I just don�t LIKE HIM like him. And I don�t know how to broach this subject without revealing the fact that I�m sort of seeing someone we both work with, and sort of seeing someone who�s already previously attached. The trouble is. The trouble is this: we�ve arranged to see a film, which is okee cokee as it was arranged a long time ago and it�s one that will be interesting from a philosophic standpoint (at least) and thus a talking point. HOWEVER he has now asked me to the Franz Ferdinand concert next week which I WOULD LOVE TO GO TO!!!!! but. BUT. but this would be wrong and leading, and I�ve already said I�d be at the French concert, and it would be taking advantage, and wrong and leading some more.

And I�m still all befuddled about the Monster Crush. I don�t want him to feel pressured, or rushed. Four years is a long time to lose yourself in somebody else. But I don�t want it all to stop. He�s coming round tonight to help me fix my laptop (because he IS a geek!) so might be able to actually Discuss Things afterwards. We shall see. WHY did he have to start behaving like we�re equal in all this WHY did he have to feign interest at all WHY can I not just wake up and it�s all taken care of and he�s there next to me ready to get his freak on in the haze of the morning???

The only non-confusing factor in all of this is this affair thingy with Steve. We�re quite clear on how awful a proper couple we'd make, and how what's happening between us is in no way a factor in what's going on with our respective others, and we're quite strangely and entirely honest with each other. The only thing that's a little awkward is not leaving each other bruisy, which IN THEORY is a great idea. In practice it needs a little more work.

I don't know. As bizarre as it may, Steve has been the best thing to happen to MC and I because it just takes the edge off while we're figuring things out. And I can justify the Steve thing because I know that in the long run, it�s beneficial because it�s allowing him to look at his current situation objectively. Sometimes fucking someone else is the only thing that helps you realise how much you�re right for someone else. When I was seeing Clif, it wasn�t until I got with this other guy that I could begin to fathom how much Clif meant to me. Then of course, the flip side to that is coming to the understanding that fucking someone else is a symptom of not really wanting the relationship you have, but you have to do it because otherwise you simply won�t ever realise not being with that first person is a possibility. That looks so self-indulgent when it�s written down. It is self-indulgent. But a necessary evil in this ME FIRST ME FIRST STOP PUSHING world we (I) inhabit.

I need to stop with the mad boy tales and get back to goats in tutu�s and band watching and veganism.

Right. I�ve deadlines coming out my orifices in painful excretions. Not quite like goop from perforated eardrums, but getting there.

****meep

NB: If you get a chance look up the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players. Fucking hilarious, though scary when you consider one of the Family is a 10-year old girl singing backup to songs like European Boys, which features European boys going out looking for sausage. Funny, but scary.

Also NB: Do you know, I�ve STILL not seen Lost in Translation. Nelle wrote me to say she had, with her boyfriend *Mike* and his frienc Aya. Aya, being Japanese, had a thing or two to say about Coppola�s portrayal of the Japanese, and actually, I�ve heard similar complaints about it�s mad stereotyping from other people too. My friend Oli in particular, who taught English out there for three years (that image makes me giggle and wince simultaneously. It means that there�s now a whole village worth of Japanese kiddies running around practicing their slurred Manchurian English like a bunch of overpilled Neds.) This weekend I�m off to see The Passion of the Christ. I got roped in by agreeing that I�m curious. Curious to see how they mangle Christ�s history. Curious to see how they crucify the Jews (unintentional and o so wrongly punny). Curious to see what sort of farcical cock up Mel�s managed this time. As I�m going with Matthew, I�m hoping I can get away WITHOUT paying for it, if I can then pay for lunch. I would somehow then feel justified in not having wasted my money if it�s crap (which is more than likely).